Starkisms
by IchiWaZen
Summary: Snarky little tidbits on Tony Stark's life. Why, you might even just call them his little Starkisms.
1. Tony Stark Doesn't Get Fat

I don't know about you guys, but I find that when I'm feeling particularly snarky I write really a mean Tony Stark. And that's what this series of shorts are. I'll post a minimum of at least 3 "Starkisms" per chapter. It'll be updated randomly cuz I can't really control whenever I'm snarky can I? Hope you enjoy the snarky-ness haha.  
Disclaimer: The Avengers and any related movies belong to Marvel.

* * *

"Why are you eating so much Tony? You're going to get fat like that." The millionaire snorted and continued to consume the plate of delicious mac n cheese, taking a piece of chocolate out of his pocket after finishing the whole thing.

"I'm eating," He said, unwrapping the small foil square. "because I'm hungry and because I'm _hungry_." The creamy brown square was tossed into his mouth and he quirked an eyebrow.

"By the way, I don't get fat ok? Getting fat is for losers." The man mock gasped and held up a hand over his mouth, his eyebrows shooting up.

"Oh I'm sorry, it sounds like we have a loser here."

* * *

"Sir, you really should be heading out to that meeting today." Tony Stark groaned and rolled over in his bed, covering himself his thick blanket.

"Jarvis, maybe you should shut it."

"I understand that you are in a foul mood sir but this meeting is very important." The man scoffed and squished himself deeper into the mattress.

"What meeting isn't important to these chumps? They'll call a damn meeting to discuss how the S in Stark could totally mean shit if they want to. I like the bed because the bed won't make any stupid comments like people."

"While I can understand your sentiment, you should at least attend one meeting a month sir." He sighed and swept the covers off in one quick motion, sitting up slowly. A loud yawn left his mouth as he stretched and eventually stumbled to his feet. A soft brown robe was taken from his closet and he put it on while shuffling over to the bathroom.

"Jarvis, I expect a full bottle of cognac when I come back from this meeting. Preferably the instant I arrive home. God knows I need a drink after listening to those stiffs." Tony loaded up his toothbrush with paste and began roughly brushing his teeth.

"Understood sir. Do at least try to look presentable for the meeting today." The man of iron mumbled a noise of acknowledgement and went back to brushing his pearly whites.

Artificial Intelligence, pah.

* * *

"Mr. Stark, you know that a lot of bacon isn't good for you right?" Right next to him on the left-hand side stood the good old Cap. Ever so worried about the man of iron's health. Tony paused for a bit, a spatula in his right hand ready to lift the ever so lovely bacon.

"I am aware of such a thing yes." He flipped one of the sizzling strips and looked back to Steve who had a disapproving look on his face.

"Now whether or not I really give a damn, that might be up to debate."

"There is way too much fat in that much bacon, perhaps you should consider a healthier alternative? Coulson told me about how there is such thing as turkey bacon now, it tastes exactly the sa-"

"Cap, I like me some good ole slaughtered pig for my bacon thank you. Meanwhile, Coulson the Fairy can go enjoy his lesser bacon."

* * *

"Oh wait up Legolas." Tony said, pointing at Clint with a wrench in his hands. The archer sighed at the nickname and walked up to the man, an eyebrow raised.

"What is it?" The iron man returned to tweaking what looked like a robotic arm for a bit before putting the wrench down and facing the other man. He cleared his throat a bit, making Clint's raised eyebrow reach new heights.

"Listen next time you and sweetcheeks decide to have one of your nightly meetings, consider a place aside from the bed. When you guys go into 'intense conversation', it likes to bang up against my headboard. You know, where my head is?"

Clint blinked, crossing his arms. "You've heard us then."

Tony dryly laughed before picking up the wrench again. "You know if I didn't hear you guys going at it, I would have thought you were asexual. This makes me realize that perhaps you _actually_ have hormones."

* * *

That's it for the first installments of Starkisms! Please read and review!


	2. Steve Rogers Has A Beautiful Mother

Here's the 2nd set of Starkisms! The first one is a bit long sorry. It needed some time to really I to I guess develop. Actually all the shorts in this one are kind of long. Haha sorry.  
Disclaimer: The Avengers belongs to Marvel.

* * *

"Um, Mr. Stark?" Tony Stark turned away from his work to see a somewhat displeased looking Steve Rogers. The All American Hero wasn't looking so... all American great at the moment. Bruce looked over from the other side of the workbench, a bit of concern on his face.

"Sup, Capsicle?" The millionaire said as he slapped a hand onto Steve's shoulder. Bruce set his tools down and walked over, offering the hero a small smile and a nod. The blonde forced a smile back, still looking a tad bit bothered.

"Well, I'm not quite too pleased with what Director Fury yells at us sometimes." Both scientists looked at each other before exactly what Steve meant popped into their heads.

"Oh you mean when he calls us _motherfuckers_?" The Captain winced a bit when Bruce said the word, his frown getting bigger.

"Exactly... because well... I would never! I mean... that's my _mother_! I just... I can't!" Tony took his hand off Cap's shoulder and crossed his arms, watching along with Bruce just how Steve flailed his arms and tried to express just how much he couldn't.

The gentler of the two geniuses attempted to comfort the distraught Captain, giving him a few sympathetic pats on the back. "Director Fury doesn't mean exactly that Steve. It's just... a curse word. You know um... like something you'd say to insult someone."

The captain slowly began understanding, sending a question over to the scientist. "So like calling someone wicked?" He asked, pulling the only reference that he knew that all three of them would understand. Bruce smiled and nodded. Things started to make sense again and the scientist started back to his workbench.

"Hey Cap." Oh shit, he could practically see the devil reflected in Tony's eyes. He should have known that something was up when he was unusually quiet in the exchange before. Bruce watched almost in horror as Steve looked over at Tony as a wicked smile crossed the millionaire's face.

"Yo mama so ugly, even Director Fury wouldn't want to call her motherfucker~." The scientist could hear the resounding echo of his mental facepalm as Steve's face reddened in rage and he spluttered out the mother of all lines.

"My mother was a beautiful woman!"

* * *

"Tony." Pepper was standing in front of the said man's workbench, arms crossed. "Look at this mess here. You should really clean it off." The Iron Man looked at her blankly for a second before blinking and speaking really slowly, making sure that she heard every word he said.

"Pepper... you're kidding right?" The woman threw her hands up in the air and sighed. Tony stared blankly at her again as she picked up a plate off his workbench. The plate was covered in sandwich crumbs as well as a few metal scrapings.

"Ok this is a bit too much. You're going to end up swallowing some metal or something. Tony, seriously clean up." The millionare sighed and took the plate, getting a small smile from his assistant. He rolled his eyes, nodded at her, and then rushed her back upstairs.

"Sir, are you really going to clean up?" JARVIS's mechanical voice questioned, bringing out a few robotic arms to start picking up a few things. Tony snorted and raised a hand.

"Isn't it obvious JARVIS?" He tossed the plate to the robotic arm.

"Nope." He spun over to the door to the TV room.

"Nop." He poured himself a nice glass of cognac.

"No." He plopped himself down onto a couch, crossed his legs, and enjoyed some TV.

"Jarvis..." Tony Stark half screamed to his robotic butler. There was a beep before a calm voice spoke.

* * *

"What is the matter sir?" The millionaire looked uncharacteristically bothered, staying away from a window. A close inspection of the window would show that a large wasp was stuck in the area between between the mesh screen and the glass. The yellow and black insect was flying around and slamming itself again the glass as if it could merely break through the glass to freedom.

"Jarvis, you mind telling me how the HELL a wasp got into that area?" The wasp buzzed again as it tried to ram into the glass again, the man of iron winced further away from the window. Ugh, _wasps_.

"Sir, it appears to have flown in from the bottom of the window. Why not go over and merely release the insect?"

"Jarvis, what did I say about negotiating with terrorists?"

"Apologizes sir."

"Damn straight, now get that mess out of there."

* * *

"Mr, Stark, do you mind me asking something?" The All American hero asked, walking over to Tony who was working on yet another customization for his suit. The said man looked over, holding a screwdriver in each hand and a flashlight in his mouth. His eyebrow rose and his face settled in an expression that could only be described as _you're kidding right_? Steve smiled sheepishly, shrugging.

Tony let out a muffled sigh, putting down his screwdrivers before taking the flashlight out of his mouth and setting that down too. He waved the robots away before turning his full attention to the blonde. "What is it?"

"First of all, thanks. I'll be quick." Steve said, smiled again. "What do you mean when you say _why don't you google it_? What does a number have to do with information?"

The millionaire blinked and then burst into laughter. The captain got more and more confused as Tony's laughs got louder and louder. Soon Tony was bent over with laughter and tears began to run down his face. Steve just didn't understand what was so funny... Laughs turned to chuckles which turned to giggles. The now giggling man slapped a hand onto the other man's shoulder, wiping away tears.

"Holy crap Steve... that was hilarious."

"Um... that wasn't my intention but I'm glad?" Tony frowned, eyebrows furrowing.

"Wait, so that was a serious question?" Steve nodded slowly as if to ask whether or not that was a stupid question. The other man removed his hand and crossed his arms, looking seriously at the captain. His cheeks puffed up randomly and he burst into laughter again. The blonde slapped himself in the head, of course he wouldn't get a straight answer from Tony. He probably should have asked Banner...

"Ok Capsicle, Google is a web search engine."

"What's a web search engine? And what do spiders have to do with numbers?" Steve waited as Tony got out another large laughing fit -_what do spiders have to do with numbers BAHAHAHAHA-_ that left him wheezing.

"The web refers to the Internet, my dear. And a search engine is something you use to find things in the Internet."

"So a search engine is like a librarian?" Tony managed to choke out a yes before launched into another laughing fit. The captain sighed as the Iron Man half laughed and half attempted to speak.

"Ok... so the Internet is like a library then, right?" The millionaire gave a wheezing thumbs up as a robotic hand came over with a glass of water. He took several large gulps of the liquid.

"So how do I use this 'library' of sorts?"

"You go on the computer and use a browser like Firefox or Chrome to Google something."

"How does a metal and a fox that is on fire help me find a library?" Tony sprayed all his water into Steve's face and burst into laughter again.

"HOW DOES A METAL AND A FOX THAT IS ON FIRE- AHAHAHAHA!" The captain wiped the water from his face and sighed. He definitely should have asked Banner.

* * *

These are all kind of long. Well, read and review :D


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